Fri 4 Jul 2008
What I am getting ready to tell you is a true story about my run-in with then Senator Jesse Helms.
I used to have a film production office in Raleigh, North Carolina – two careers ago. I had the top corner office and the exact opposite corner of the building was Senator Helms’ reelection campaign HQ. I never went in, but I did walk by a few times and it was just a few people at their desks typing and making phone calls.
One day I was heading to the restroom and entered a stall. No, there were no hand gestures.
A few seconds later Jesse Helms came in – his voice was very recognizable. Jesse entered the stall next to me and took a massive, juicy, explosive dump.
Now, this should be a common tale but here is where it gets damn odd. While Jesse was undergoing the evacuation of his lower bowls with the robustness of a timpani drum, he was singing “What A Friend I Have In Jesus.”
Mouth agape, I couldn’t pry my ears away from the horror of it all. The cacophony was something to witness with the cool help of Kentucky bourbon. But unfortunately, I was stone cold sober.
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9 Responses to “ The True Story Of Jesse Helms That No One Believes ”
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July 8th, 2008 at 9:51 am[...] is worth noting Storm Bear didn’t call Fox: One day I was heading to the restroom and entered a stall. No, there were no hand [...]
July 5th, 2008 at 8:37 am
This cartoon is a truly tasteless and classless move on the day this man, as horrid as his politics were, has died. You should be ashamed of yourself, and I’m ashamed that you’re on my side on the “left.” This rubbish is the kind of below the belt hackjob I’d expect of the rightwingers. You’re showing yourself to be no better than them; same tactics, different side of the argument. Show some respect, even if you can’t stand the man. I have to wonder what your reaction would be if the person who died was Edward Kennedy, Barack Obama, or some other leading Democrat. I imagine you would be crying bloody murder if a conservative posted some sort of cartoon like this.
July 6th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
I refer you to the old graffito:
“There’s nothing so overrated as a bad fuck, and nothing so underrated as a good shit.”
The connection between esus’ friendliness & a good shit is not incomprehensible to me.
But then, I’m a heathen, what the fuck do I know.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Poo-poo to the person who said the cartoon was tasteless. Why should respect be shown to a dead as$hole who went out of his way to inflict his narrow minded view on the US?
Jesse Helms was EVIL!
Good riddance indeed!
July 11th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Paul, you’re a mealy-mouthed Good German, an apologist for this human anus’s fascist politics.
I hope his hell is real. Fuck him, fuck his mother, fuck his family, fuck all his constituents.
And fuck you, Paul.
July 12th, 2008 at 1:12 am
Hey Paul, shut-up you whiny little turd eater. Stop being such a disgusting and overly sensitive piece of douche and realize that another problem with the world today are too many humorless ass clouds, like yourself, that assume that life is something that should be taken very, very seriously. You were once pushed through someone’s vagina-so why are you acting so dignified?
July 12th, 2008 at 9:49 am
“Helms was “bitterly opposed to federal financing of AIDS research and treatment”.[26] Opposing the Kennedy-Hatch AIDS bill in 1988, Helms stated, “There is not one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy.”"
Seriously guys, he was an a-hole.
July 12th, 2008 at 11:05 am
I agree DaviDC, Jesse Helms was a gigantic racist prick, who only had a small change of heart AFTER he retired from office. Every death is a tragedy, unless it’s the death of someone who propagated prejudice, war, hurt and negativity. God knows I wish Cheney’s heart would give out for good so the US can be released from his blood and oil soaked hands.
July 12th, 2008 at 11:08 am
BTW, I am an NC native who met Jabba the Helms when I was a squeaky clean boy scout. He was then selling us the Gulf War while looking down his nose at the “blackies.”