The Gonzales species of worm is peculiar as it always writhes while exposed to the full light of day. This worm is best kept in the dark.
Ahmed – Dubai Visitors Bureau Director
If you are coming to Dubai, Ahmed has whatever you need; golf, sailing, booze, or even cocaine. He keeps a freezer full of baby Jew blood just for whenever Dick Cheney is in town. Dick drinks a lot.
A one time friend of the UFO Cult Leader and Dobson’s resident Ouija Board Expert, Belfast is coming under the suspicious eye of the Stasi Captain.
The Queen of Cassiopiean Prime and in charge of the Galactic Ouija Switching Space Station. She is ultimately responsible of all Ouija traffic originating from Earth and controls all messages sent back.
She is the king pin of an international trailer park UFO cult. She uses her Ouija board to talk to evil lizard spacemen from outer space. The aliens speak to her in English, so she translates the English into English for her cult followers… for a price. She kicked out L’ark – an alien that took over her husband’s body in favor for D’ark, the Stasi Captain.
A growing force in Dobson, the followers of the cult do the dirty work of the Cult Leader and D’ark. They are frequently seen sifting through trash cans for personal information and watching their “enemies” from afar.
D’ark, The Stasi Captain
A high-energy physicist who once worked for the Soviets as a Cold War Nuke Scientist, Stasi Captain keeps at his old day job – COINTELPRO! He never lets any member of the UFO Cult go… uninvestigated. His arch-nemesis is Mrs. Gris-Gris.
David Lee Roth
1984 marked the first year Dobson suffered from a wide-spread panty shortage. Once considered a thing of the past, Dobson suffered another panty shortage in 2007 as David Lee Roth and the gang swept though town. Have YOU seen Bushie’s grades?
Dennis Kucinich is Ultra K!
The leading edge of the peace movement in America is Dennis Kucinich, aka Ultra K. Cleveland Bank didn’t get him, the mob assassin didn’t get him but the Mainstream Media isn’t letting that stop them.
Dick “Redacted” Cheney
Dick Cheney, one of the most evil politicians to have ever come to the world stage, is feared above all others. He is rarely visible to the naked eye due to his stealth technology and the things he writes are instantly redacted by his Super Redacto-Pen!
This mysterious creature is the unfortunate by-product of a lab accident at the local medical school. Too much Xenon 133 mixing in with the agar or some such. No one knows the original identity of DNA Boy, but we are sure he came from Dobson.
One of the researchers from the local medical school. Has issues with underlings and people of color. Hell, he hates everyone.
The laziest Senator in American politics, Liddy rarely comes out from her crypt underneath her real home, The Watergate. After her failed resurrection of Rush Limbaugh and her oppression of North Carolina citizens, Dole returned to her crypt to await new instructions from Dick Cheney.
Elwood Leroy Bible Thumper
A devout Fundamentalist Christian and proud member of the local Republican Party, Bible Thumper is always trying to save souls, kill liberals and run for Congress. He used to wear his religion on his sleeve, but his arm turned out to be too damn small!
Elwood Leroy Bible Thumper Jr.
The son of Bible Thumper finds life easy when he mimics his father and doesn’t think for himself.
Fairy Blog Mother
Not really a character, I just figured Maryscott O’Connor needed to be included.
The poster child for Geritol, Fred Thompson tries to campaign in a unique way – by sleeping his way through it.
The true believers of Al Gore. They are the ones who take the abuse of others about the size of Al’s house, they stand in the cold collecting ballot signatures for the Draft Gore campaign, they are Al Gore’s army and they will save the world.
One of the many Cassiopiean Ouija Channelers who have died from over exposure to the UFO Cult Leader’s constant and never-ending sessions. An avid proponent of the Third-Eye Jock Strap, it however failed to keep him alive. He died in the Ouija Channel Chamber on board the Galactic Ouija Switching Space Station.
The French alchemist and esoteric author is considered the Last Alchemist in many circles. He is the last of his kind – an alchemist who found the secret of immortality through alchemy and magick. His age and origins are unknown. He was rumored to have moved to New Orleans sometime in the late 19th Century. While there, he decided to settle down and open a restaurant where he imparted the totality of his wisdom to one of his cooks – Mrs. Venette Gris-Gris.
Member of the notorious MS13 gang, Gomez deals dope, robs the elderly and is wanted in 28 states for murder. If he wore a turbin, he would be in custody.
Gay Agenda Daisy
Busy rainbowing up the world!
George W. Bush
Worst. President. Ever.
Ghosts of Whiskey Company
If the dead could speak, what would they say? A lot it seems. These boot memorials talk on behalf of the soldiers and the families ruined by Bush foreign policy.
Godless Killing Machines
You can’t venture too far out of Dobson without running into Stephen Colbert’s horrid nightmare of a creature, the bear.
Hajii the Goat Herder
The target audience for Mullah propaganda.
Herbal The “Herbalist”
Moonshining is so last year. In the fine Yadkin Valley tradition of recreational substances, Herbal grows the finest marijuana in town. People from miles around come to Dobson to buy some of that Yadkin Valley Punge. He loves 4:20, conspiracies and all things hippie.
The presumptive nominee of the 2008 Presidential election, Hillary commanded attention from the campaign trail. After the disastrous “Denver Death March” so slowly began to support the nominee and now occupies the coveted seat of Secretary of State. Either way, she was destined to become the most powerful woman in the world.
Sometimes ironic, sometimes befuddling, this cat was wise for her years and had insights into things mere humans never think about. May she rest in peace.
Hog of Baghdad
The Iraq Study Group used him as a test subject in a failed experiment to separate Sunni and Shia factions in Baghdad. Knowing of Muslim disdain of pigs, the ISG tried running the hogs up and down the streets of Baghdad. The experiment failed because the waring parties could easily shoot over the heads of the scurrying pigs.
Horseman of the Apocalypse
The Horseman, most think, work for Satan, but in reality they work for the GOP.
The former Governor of Vermont can whip up a fervor of liberal discontent and action like no one has seen in many, many decades.
Examine almost any press photo of Hillary Clinton and you will see a picture of her executive assistant in the background – Huma Abedin. Behind every candidate is an executive assistant with a bottle of Grey Goose at the ready.
Turncoat of the Democratic Party. Has been known to slip DNC party secrets to GOP insiders.
A confused person who can’t exactly figure out how he ended up in Hell. It must be a trick of the Gay Agenda!
Oh Joe, we barely knew you! Leaving the 2008 campaign trail in Iowa, Joe Biden returned to the Senate to give the remaining members of the GOP a proper beatdown. In his post election role of Vice President, Biden now has the undivided attention of the President.
The winner of three Purple Hearts and one of the leading forces behind getting the United States out of Vietnam, Kerry currently serves as a US Senator. He also has the inability to keep his mouth shut when needed. It may be an old war wound, we don’t know.
Johnny was a poser. The local convenient store gang wouldn’t let him join so to get attention he posed as some radical Muslim terrorist. In reality he was all talk. His threats were empty and even his Middle Eastern accent was fake. However, he was later captured by the Bush Administration and falsely accused of terrorism. Sent to Gitmo and radicalized, he has returned to Dobson a changed man and a devout Muslim.
Some Southerners can’t let go of the fact that the Civil War was about slavery and they lost that war. They also all seem to be related to Johnny Reb… the ultimate fate of countless generations of inbreeding is stupidity?
Bush’s brain personified. Rove is the mastermind behind every failure the Bush Administration has known.
The town’s only out-of-the-closet lesbian and side kick of Dobson’s community activist, Rakarah. Kiko has pondered switching sides, especially when Rockstar comes into her espresso shop. But there is the whole penis issue that puts a halt to that train of thought.
Kip The Penguin
Displaced by global warming, Kip is the leader of the penguin slave laborers in Dobson. He also led the resistance against his slave masters.
Knuckles serves as the head of Howl Qaeda, a highly skilled werewolf force employed to bring power back to President Bush.
One of the lizard space men that talks to Cult Leader via the Ouija board. L’ark also transplanted himself and appeared as the husband of the Cult Leader. He can make a mean whiskey sour! Serves as a double agent for the Cassiopieans and Satan.
Walter Cronkite retired way too early and Larry King has waited way too long to exit the stage. Always asking probing questions of the wrong guest and always seeming like he just entered a conversation in the middle, Larry King has kept us cringing for years.
The defacto leader of all space aliens including the Cassiopieans. The real identity has yet to be revealed.
Magic Talking Mask of Guy Fawkes.
At the local liberal Apocalyptic Lodge of Allied Mystical Oddfellows, hangs the magical talking mask of Guy Fawkes. The mask will give advice and philosophical wisdom to those who tend the strange artifact. Sometimes it talks to itself.
Master Sergeant Leather
Back from the Iraq war, he has spent too much R&R in the leather lounges of Germany. And he is whip-enabled!
Huckabee is one of the most dangerous Republicans running for the Presidency. He is also a rare breed as he is one of those Christian politicians who is more of a Jesus-con than a Neo-con. Mike is more than willing to use the government to end poverty (like Jesus said) and feed the hungry (like Jesus did) and heal the sick (like Jesus did). But none of these things the Establishment GOP wants to do. There is a reason he is carrying a cross, someone is trying to nail him to it!
Tanned, rested and ready for action after being summoned from the dead.
Mort, The FEMA Director
Mort, also known as Death, a Horseman of the Apocalypse, was undercover as the FEMA Director for Bush.
Mrs. Bible Thumper
Married to Elwood Sr., she tries to make the best out of a bad marriage. Even though Elwood Sr. believes Liberalism is the worst influence on his son, it is really Mrs. Bible Thumper – she aims to set their son on a course of humanity.
Mrs. Venette Gris-Gris
Displaced by Katrina and scooped up by FEMA, Mrs. Gris-Gris lives in the FEMA trailer park outside of Dobson. In an effort to make some money, she has put out a shingle for her VooDoo services.
This breast augmented talking head for the WTF News Network gets all the stories that’s fit to broadcast from Dobson. At least we THINK it is her head that speaks to us.
Orp The Penguin
Displaced by global warming, Orp is the knuckle end of the long arm of the law in the penguin slave camp. He was instrumental in bringing down the border fence in Dobson by using Biblical means.
Osama Bin Laden
Best. Scapegoat. Ever.
Town Geek. Period. Got in on the computer craze years ago and quickly fell in love with a 300 baud modem, then fell in love with Rakarah. He now lives with his wife, two cats and his iMac. Yes, he finally moved out of his Mom’s house.
One of Dobson’s wage-slaves. He delivers the best pizza in town – always hot and always on time. Every time he delivers to the UFO Cult Compound, he gets gipped out of the tip. One time, the cult actually charged him for parking while delivering THEIR pizza!
President of Syria
Bashar al-Assad, the President of Syria has a lot of long-distance bills and nothing to show for it. He constantly calls Bush in an effort to bring peace to the Middle East. When Bush sees a olive branch, he sees it as brush that needs to be cleared. Al-Assad was surprised to find Nancy Pelosi in his office one day. He had to be reminded of what diplomacy was. It seems he has been dialing the wrong number all this time.
The only sane woman in town. Part-time Pagan cat whisperer, full-time community activist, and a survivor of Catholic school, Rakarah is known to everyone in town as she must be on all the town’s phone trees. Also married Patrick. They live with their two cats; Misty and Shelly.
Bought by Shelly at a mouse slave market, Rat Fink suffers at the end of a leash – plotting for his escape.
Bush had a secret weapon, an old friend of the family and it is Dubai World Trust. Receptionist helped Bush with his speeches and corporate deals via his brain implant.
Every town has a celebrity and Dobson has Rockstar. Known for his hip bluesy guitar stylings and lyrics fueled by a silky Southern drawl, Rockstar is the man to be seen around town with.
Paul proves that you can be a Republican and run on an anti-war platform. If you hear Ron Paul talk about his bullet-pointed to-do list about America, it all sounds rational… until… until he starts talking about government control of a woman’s uterus, human rights and making bigger bombs.
The ultimate Christian boogie man. Frequently works with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, the Cassiopieans and the Republicans.
The real terrorist.
Every town needs a sheriff and Dobson has Axim. Always four steps ahead of the FBI, CIA, NSA and the DEA, Axim always gets his man.
Soviet Weapons Engineer
Designed Soviet nuclear weapons in the good ole days of the Cold War, was also the KGB handler of D’ark, the Stasi Captain.
Spirit of Steve Irwin
Raised from the dead by Mrs. Gris Gris, the Spirit of Steve Irwin is used as a translator for the penguin colony.
The first Cassiopiean martyred after exposure to the UFO Cult Leader’s Ouija channel. He was drained of everything due to the extreme high volume of meaningless questions. After his death, the Galactic Ouija Switching Station was put on alert and funeral services were held in memory of Spork-Nak. His name still echoes through-out the Cassiopiean Empire.
Hunted, beaten and enslaved by early European colonists, Squanto finally succumbed to one of the diseases that came with the Pilgrams.
Templar John Edwards
Templar John had problems when it comes to the Catholic Church, so much so he sometimes appeared to be in league with them. Unfortunately for John, his Two Jerusalems theory turned into his Two Wives Theory.
This fine Christian man made a living by hunting, capturing and selling Native Americans to Europe for $20 dollars each.
Tink Von Wagnersteinstadtdorffmacher
The most complicated woman in Dobson. Loved by all, Tink, a recovering Mormon, is the ultimate feminist unless she is working the beauty pageant circuit. If Tink is not at a Pro-Choice rally, you can find her en pointe at the local dance studio teaching little girls ballet (and secretly passing out the “Collected Quotes of Gloria Steinem” to the students).
Always there to help after the Forces of Stupidity manage to destroy the Town of Dobson. Tireless, he is always there to lend a helping hand as are the real citizens of Dobson.
Weeping Hillary Statue
Hillary proved in New Hampshire that if she doesn’t win the race, she can have a great secondary career as a weeping Virgin Mary statue. The tears… they roll down the check right on que. Care to make a donation?
The guys and gals on the ground, making the ultimate sacrifice so BushCo can make Daddy proud.